How to be Alive!
by ickleails
Summary: Story about penelope and morgan and the harsh path of true love....filled with angst and medical stuff
1. stormy weather

Horizontal rain and fierce winds battered her car as she bobbed her head energetically along with the vibrant country music that was playing on her car stereo. Despite the weather she felt alive, happy even. another piece of evil was firmly locked up behind bars and another and probably many more lives were spared. This along with the promise of a 4 day weekend thrilled her to no end. She was truly excited about the prospect of doing nothing for a full 96 hours expect sleep and maybe see her sweet piece of chocolate cake.

She had so painfully missed him over the last 8 days. The frequent calls only made her miss him even more. He was her drug, a drug she was ashamed to admit to being addicted too. She craved him like how her lungs needed air but he never knew just what he did for her. He was her best friend and they was no way she would do anything to jeopardise that. She would just have to live with her addiction and watch as women fell at his feet.

Her blond curls danced around her face as she belted out song after song. Trying hard to push down the gnawing feeling of loneliness that so often wanted to consume her. Over and over again she told herself she was happy being on her own, that it suited her. Her liars even tasted bitter to her own lips. Her heart tried to scream out yelling that she deserved more, she deserved love and the happy ever after ending. However whenever love crossed her mind her heart would leap for one very sexy man. A man that she truly believed to be unattainable and completely out of her league.

The road was slippery and visibility was poor but she knew that this quiet stretch of road like the back of her hand she had driven it more than a million times before and she knew that she was only mere moments from home. When...

BANG!!


	2. darkness befriends me

The world spun around her as darkness swirled dangerously threatening to consume her. She felt the glass shattered more than heard it as she felt millions of flying shards pierce her skin. Her body flopped around as the car rolled and she lose sense of her place in the vehicle. A rag doll had more togetherness than she did. Her head crashed into the metal column and her stomach reached her throat as the car rapidly came to a halt leaning dangerously against a tree. Darkness engulfed her as a groan escaped her bleeding lips.

Wetness seeped into her skin as her body shuddered. Water swirled around as large drops of rain pounded her bruised body. Her head felt heavy and her stomach complained. Deep silence that seemed as thick as custard was shattered by the high pitch squeal of sirens and flashing of startling blue lights. She welcomed the darkness again as a shooting pain erupted near her naval.

"I hate working storms" complained the paramedic with a groan as she stood at the top of a slope looking down at the scene before her. Carefully she started her descent with her colleague as the fire service arrived. Water splashed around them as mud slipped beneath them. The splintered metal of what had once been a car laid bare before them. She could see a mass of bloody blonde curls and she felt the adrenaline kick in. Time to get to work! The expertise of many got to work to rescue their victim.

Flashes of Fluorescent lights ached behind her closed eyelids as she felt her prone body bump it's way down a long hall. Mute voices echoed around her as many sets of hand pushed and probed her. She felt the sharp burning of her skin and a whimper slipped out. The darkness was there again and it beckoned her forward and like a child she eagerly followed her and let it wash over her and consume her completely. The darkness had become her new friend.

"What do we have here?" asked Dr Munson rushing into resus.

"RTA victim, car went off the road and down a slope. Evidence of rolling before a tree stopped them. At present no ID, the cops are doing their thing." shouted one of the paramedic while the other on began,

"30 something woman, found unconscious at the scene. Has regained consciousness for only briefs spells of time. Evidence of abdominal, chest and head trauma. Wide bore fluids commenced at the scene. Hypotensive at 88/52 and tachycardia at 126, Respiratory rate uneven at 27. Sats are 95% on 10 litre via trauma mask and hypothermic, huggy bear in situation." rhymed off the guy.

"Okay we need a body CT ASAP" shouted Dr Munson as he felt her rigid abdomen. Next thing their were on their way to CT.

"Contact the surgeons" he shouted to a nurse over his shoulder as there went.


	3. crashing hearts

A/N as you can probably guess i do not own any of this- shame really!!!! You should be warned the angst bunnies are hopping madly in my head...

The white room gleamed with the many machines that crowded around the bed in which lay a still form of a once vibrant woman. Surgery was complex and long. Many hours had past and daylight was streaming thru the small window. The change in the weather was extreme. The rain had halted, the wind had still and the sun was shining brightly. In surgery they had repaired what injuries they could. The nurses went about ensuring everything was in place. Dr Rink the ICU doctor walked and reviewed her latest vitals.

"Has the police been in yet?" he asked the room.

A tall broad male nurse nodded , "there are standing behind you"

Dr Rink exited the room and approached the 2 officers. "Do we have a name and a next of kin yet?" he asked holding the clip board firmly to his chest.

"We haven't been able to locate her belongings from the wreckage yet but we were able to pull up her DMV info from her car registration number. Her name" he said looking down at his note pad. "is one Penelope Gracia. She is 33 and local .She has one Derek Morgan listed as her next of kin. One of our officers are on the way round to inform him as we speak."

The doctor nodded his head in thanks and turned back to his patient.

Morgan was enjoying a Friday morning free from any commitments. Just sitting there on his couch with a paper in hand and a mug of coffee at his side and one clooney head on his lap. He tried to read about his thoughts kept chasing him back to Penelope. He was contemplating phoning his angel and see if she was up for some fun, a walk with clooney or a movie or maybe both. He gave a short laugh recalling how she danced out of the office last night, her blonde hair bouncing along with each step she took. He definitely loved her hair. It was as vibrant as she was. His heart ached with joy at just being her best friend but deep, deep down his heart knew that friendship was just the tip of the iceberg for how he truly felt even if his mind hadn't cottoned on yet. A rap at his door brought his mind back to the now.

"yeah" he said opening the door to two uniformed officers. "what can I do for you?"

"Derek Morgan" one asked holding out his ID

"Yeah that's me" he replied openly the door a little wider.

"Can we come in please" the other one asked a concerned look upon his face.

Morgan slowly stepped aside, the taste of anxiety upon his lips. The three men stood in his entrance hall looking at one another.

"What is this all about?" asked Morgan crossing his arms protectively across his chest.

"We have you listed as the next of kin of one Penelope Garcia...."

"Baby Girl" he said taking a step forward as his eyes grew wide.

"Ms Garcia was admitted to St Joseph Memorial hospital last night after she lost control of her car."

Morgan felt his heart crash in his chest, his heart rate rose rapidly and his breath caught at the back of his throat.

"How is she?" he blurted out.

"she has undergone surgery and is at present in intensive care. The doctor will be able to give you more information."

Derek felt his auto pilot take over as he grabbed his car keys. Speed was not a problem for him as he raced to the hospital. His mind tumbling over the small number of facts he knew. Penelope was hurt, had surgery and now was in intensive care. Hot tears threaten to fall but they never came to anything as fear set his course. He needed to see her, to touch her, to feel her soft skin beneath his hand. He needed to see his large beautiful eyes to hear her sing song voice and hearty laugh. Simply he needed her.


	4. Hopelessness

A/N- more medical stuff here- can you tell i am a nurse.....bwahahahahaha

Sally watched as the tall sexy man anxiously marched through the door. She could read the pain that was etched across his handsome face. His eyes darted with fear as he approached the nurses station. His pain and fear was palpable in the air that shrouded him.

"Can I help you?" she asked giving him a gentle smile.

"ummm Penelope Gracia" he said in a wavering voice.

"Are you family?" she asked stepping towards him.

"Umm I am her next of kin, Derek Morgan" he said facing the nurse. "the police told me she was brought in"

"Oh yes, some of the other nurses are in with Ms Garcia right now but I do know the doctor would like a word with you. If you would please follow me." she said beckoning him along.

They entered the relative room where he was left to wait on the ICU doctor to appear.

"Mr Morgan" said a soft voice as Dr Rink entered the room. Her eyes fell on the nervous man as he halted his rapid pacing.

"How is she...can I see her, is she okay?" he fired out.

"Ms Garcia has sustained multiple injuries. We have had to repair a laceration to her liver and remove her spleen. Due to several broken ribs she has a collapsed lung and has a chest drain in situ. Also she has a sub dural haematoma which is a significant bleed in the brain. As a result she has fallen into a coma. At this time her condition is critical and the next 48 hours will be crucial."

She watched his face crumble as his knees gave way and he collapsed back into the chair behind him.

"Will she..." his voice tailed off.

"I am sorry that is something I don't know." she replied apologetically. "Is there anyone you want to contact?"

Barely hearing her he stood up, "Can I please see her?" he asked in a weak voice.

"I'll get a nurse to take you to her," she said backing out of the room that was slowly filling up with hopelessness.

His pulse pounded as he tentatively stepped into her room. There she lay nothing more than a faded shadow of herself. Her soft hair matted and spread across the pillow her face emotionless with a thick tube invading her mouth. Wires criss crossed her motionless form and tubes snaked from her body. Her normally pale skin turning a deep bluish- purple hue as the bruises and contusions made themselves know. Machines hummed and bleeped in the background. Bile burned the back of her throat as he made it to her side. He wanted to reach out and caress her skin but fear captured him. Hesitantly he sat down on the chair that unbeknown to him a nurse had silently slipped behind him. His hand wavered over her arm, which was the only safe place he could see to touch.

Sally softly spoke, "speak to her, let her know you are here." Morgan silently nodded and allowed his hand to fall. Her skin was strangely cool as he allowed his thumb to make small circular motions.


	5. All alone!

A/N crazy little angst bunnies- oh watch them play!!!!

thanks for all the reviews, they do make me Smile!!!

Darkness swirled around her like a ferocious monster that was on the edge of consuming her whole. She could see it, hear it, practically touch and nearly taste it. It was prowling around her hunger for her. She wanted to escape, to be free, but all she could see was the roaring blackness that was engulfing her. Somewhere in the far distance, just beyond her reach she could feel a warmth and a calmness that for some reason unbeknown to her originated from her arm. It was her anchoring her in this turbulent storm. Every now and then she felt the light fighting to grab her back but darkness was by far the stronger force. She wanted the light but she couldn't reach it, it was a hair whisper away.

The statue of Morgan was weary as he sat watching her beauty fade before his eyes. 'Please Baby Girl, fight, be strong. I need you, always.' he whispered over and over again into her ear, hoping that she could in fact hear.

Sally shift was ending and the silent man was tugging at her heart strings. He seemed so lost and vulnerable.

"Sorry" she said standing in the doorway. Morgan barely looked up.

"Is they any family you need to contact?"

"Ummm she has brothers but in all my years knowing my baby girl she has never seen then or contacted them as far as I know. I wouldn't know where to look." he said never drawing his eyes away from her face.

"What about friends or your family?"

"I really should let the team know but....."

"But you don't want to leave her side. I get that. Why don't I phone for you?"

"Could you" he asked briefly looking up.

A couple of minutes later she was dialling a number.

"Agent Hotchner" came a stern voice.

"Hello this is a nurse from ICU in St Joseph Memorial Hospital. I am phoning on behalf of a Derek Morgan. "

"Is Agent Morgan okay?"

Agent that's new she thought to herself.

"It is regarding a Penelope Garcia..."

"Penelope" Hotch voice rose.

"She was admitted to us a number of hours ago after a RTA. Mr Morgan is here with her..."

"Tell Agent Morgan that I am on my way and so is the rest of the team."

"Certainty will."

Hotch numbly started to dial. Why do bad things keep happening to my family, he thought angrily as he heard Emily voice down the line......


	6. Worry

Lily stretched her arms above her head easing the tightness of her weary muscles. It was during this action she felt rather than saw or heard the approach of a group of people. Plastering a smile on her tired face she stifled a yawn and turned to face the group before her. A tall rather handsome man with a serious face and soft concerned eyes was obviously leading the team.

"Penelope Gracia" he announced with a voice rich with authority.

"FBI?" she enquired

"yeah" said JJ crossing her arms over her chest.

"Follow me"

the short walk down a hall and round a corner brought them to a room where the door was partially opened.

"Agent Morgan is inside" she said nodding to the door.

The door silently swung open with the slightest of Emilys touches. The sight before caught their hearts in mid beat. Garcia lay there barely recognisable beneath all the machines, wires and discolouration and there at her side sat a hollow man.

"Morgan" said Reid and Hotch at the same time.

Morgan lifted his head, his hand still firmly yet gently on her arm and turned his blood shot eyes to his extended family.

"this cannot be happening" he said with a voice thick with emotion.

JJ walked around to the opposite side of the bed and took the chair that sat there. Emily joined her with Reid behind them while Hotch and Rossi braced themselves at Morgan side. All of them staring blindly at their broken and bruised friend.

"What did the doctor say?" asked Reid nervously.

"They managed to repair a liver laceration, they removed her spleen to halt the bleeding, there are re-inflating a lung with a drain but it's her head injury that are concerning them the most. They think the bleeding as stopped but they can't tell what the damage is until she wakes up, if she..."

"She will" Emily said forcefully.

"She's strong" affirmed Rossi.

Morgan turned his face back to face her blank one and gently squeezed her arm. ' Please wake up angel, please' he prayed quietly as another solitary tear escaped it's confines.


	7. Same old, Same old!

The hands on the clock slowly slipped by, taking a breath with each tick and tock. The 2nd morning of torture came around and Reid slowly stretched his long limbs as he yawned. They had been taking shifts at keeping a vigil at Penelope side. The only one who refused to leave for any more than 30 minutes was Morgan. They could barely make him leave for something to eat, let alone a proper sleep in a proper bed. They had to keep him calm if the nurses were in for too long.

Reid stared over to a sleeping Morgan whose head was resting awkwardly on Garcia arm. Even in sleep he looked exhausted. His eyes bloodshot around the edges with the deep tinge of purple. Worry lines creased his skin and some out of control stubble masked his face.

Sighing he turned his attention to the blonde who sadly remained unchanged. The machines continued to hum and whirl. Her chest slowly raising with each artificial surge of air. He felt helpless. All his knowledge and brains were of no use.

"Morning" came the gruff voice from the door as Rossi entered with 3 steaming mugs of liquid tar.

"No change" replied Reid even before the question was asked. He accepted the coffee while the spare one was placed at Morgan side.

"and" Rossi asked titling his head toward the sleeping boy.

"Still the same" Reid remarked staring at one of his best mates.

"Go home and rest" Rossi said taking Reid seat as he stood up.

Several hours later it was Emily turn to be the one saying hello and pleading for some positive news. And then it was JJ and finally Hotch. All the time Morgan remained there as silently as night, words and reasoning escaping him. Coherent words were lost, thoughts were all mashed together.

And still there was no change.


	8. realisation

A/N Hey, thank you for all the replies, very encouraging. man you all love angst... so watch out for the bunnies there are hopping mad. Also sorry for the delay- the joys of night shift!!

There was that soft touch again pulling her closer and closer to freedom from her dark prison. Her skin fired up with energy where ever those fingers fell. Still after all this time that touch remained her solace and her anchor in the midst of her battle. She found herself eagerly drawing and silently begging for it. It was her unspoken lifeline.

The gentle breeze of a breath against her cheek or in her ear, would bring about the instant calming of her turmoil. It's whispers were whispers of encouragement and strength. She found herself hooked to them even if words were absent. It made her feel alive, so alive amongst all the confusion and pain that was marring her existence. It gave her the ultimate strength to keep fighting.

Morgan stood up and walked across the small room to the solitary window and pressed his palm against the cool glass. How did I get here he thought as he watched the rivers of rain race down the glass.

When did I fall in love with my best friend? He asked with a weary sigh. She is my best friend, the one person who gets me completely, who makes me laugh and who knows how to make me smile even when I want to scream. He told himself as he asked , When did she slip into my heart?

Turning around he leaned against the wall and crossed his arms protectively across his chest.

She is amazing. Beautiful, talented and scarily intelligent. She is everything and more and She deserves the best; is that me? He wondered as his eyes gazed upon her features. I know I don't deserve her. I don't deserve someone who is so amazing. I am a mess, a player, a dog. She deserves her very own prince charming. I may have charm but I am definitely not a prince. Walking back over he pushed a stray blonde curl behind her ear. His eyes falling over her face and roaming her gentle feature he whispered more to himself, But I am not going anyway this is where my heart belongs, even just as friends.

So happy endings??????


	9. Confusion

Shards of light fought against the pit of darkness that clothed her, her mind ached with each painful flash that racked her. The darkness that had at one point been her enemy was merging into something of worth, a place to escape, to be free from the restraints and restrictions of life and society and now it was swirling dangerously with the shocking light. With each pixel she felt bile burn at the back of her throat as her stomach churned and her head throbbed with the intrusion. Confusion confounded her as disorientation pounced upon her, where am I she thought to herself as the shards grew in strength and length of duration. As the fog slowly started to fade the mufflers were lifted as an incessant bleeping attacked her senses. The noise thumped inside her fragile head and the nausea rose.

Her senses were slowly taken on a life of their own again and with them came pain, unmentionable pain that was clearly going to become her own personal dictator. Shooting pain dashed through her body and she cried out silently to herself, begging for the relief of the darkness. She felt the harsh tube down her throat and the searing pain that came with each breath that was being forced in and out of her body. If she could she would have ripped the intrusive device out of her body and ceased the breathing to erase the pain even momentarily.

"What happened to me?" she wailed internally desperate for an answer.

Summoning up all her feeble strength she flew her eyelids open and the crashing pain that the light brought caused the abrupt closure of them again. Scolding herself for her weakness she slowly peeled one eye opened letting the harsh light filter in. Her solitary eyeball roamed around the bright room. The stark whiteness revealed her fear of being in hospital along with the distinct smell the lingered in hospitals. She could hear the nurses chat that echoed in from the station that lingered close to her room and the gentle snores that sounded like a speeding train to her. Fixing her determination she opened her other eye. With this she could see her entire domain. Twisted her head to her right she found the source of the noise. Looking down at the sleeping frame of Morgan she felt further confusion plague her.

"Who is he?" she questioned.


	10. Questions! questions1 questions!

A/N- i would like to thank everyone for your reviews, their are really like chocolate icing (frosting). Work is busy, never any peace when you are a nurse....So sorry for any big gaps in the postings and for the tiny weeny chapters. ........

Enjoy!

The stranger who slept nosily at her side and the strangeness of her surroundings caused the panic to surge through her veins like wild fire. 'What's going on?'

The ache of body temporary forgotten as she struggled. Her heart race jumped fiercely up causing a nurse to rush in. the extra presence as well as the change in the machines awoke Morgan from his slumber. He watched as a nurse raced to Penelope side and his eyes nervously followed her and what he found made his heart soar.

'she's awake – my baby girl is awake' he whispered to himself as a doctor gently pushed him aside. A grin engulfed his face as he felt the moisture build up in his eyes. 'my angel girl is back'.

"Ms Garcia, welcome back" said Doctor Rink as the nurse Lily checked the machines. She could see the confusion and panic that registered on her face. "Let's get that tube out" she said as Lily flattened the bed.

"Is she okay?" asked an impatient Derek.

"Agent Morgan could you please give us a few minutes?" asked Dr Rink.

"I'm not leaving" he stated reaching over to take Penelope hand only to find her sharply removing it from his grasp. His eyes darted to her face and found she was staring at a spot on the ceiling.

"I promise we will be as quick as we can" said Dr rink nodding at the nurse who had just entered the room. The new nurse gently led Derek out by the shoulders. His head twisting around trying to catch Penelope eyes as he went; desperate to fall into her orbs. He watched the door close and ran a hand fearfully over his shaven head. The new nurse gently spoke,

"Do you want to use our phone to call someone?"

"Yeah" he mumbled without moving his feet, his eyes fixed on the closed door willing it to open. He felt a cordless phone being pressed into his hand. Working on auto pilot he phoned JJ and in only a few words told them of the update before hanging up. He didn't have time to chat or to answer questions that he himself were asking. All he wanted was to be back in the room and to be with his baby girl.

Splutter, cough, exhale!

"Take slow deep breaths" commanded Dr Rink as Lily placed an oxygen mask over her mouth where a tube had recently resided. Garcia felt the burning sensation in her throat and lungs slowly ease.

"We need to ask some questions are you up for it?"

Garcia nodded and pulled the mask off her mouth and in a raw voice said, "What happened?"

"First off all you were in a car accident. When you first came in you were very unwell and required surgery. We can go into the details later. The main thing is that you have been in a coma for 13 days now. You sustained a serious head injury and that is what I would like to assess now. Is that okay?"

"Yeah" she coughed out.

"What's your full name?"

"Penelope Rose Garcia"

"What is your date of birth?"

"24th of January 79."

"Where were you born?"

"Orange County, California"

"What year is it?"

"2009"

"Where do you work?"

"I work for the FBI as an analyst." she stated.

"Good, good that's all for the moment unless you have a question for me?" asked Dr Rink seeing a question lingering in her eyes.

"Ummm who was that man that was in here?"

the doctor and the nurse shared a look over the patient.

"Do you mean Agent Morgan?" asked Lily

"the one that was asleep?"

"Do you not recall Agent Morgan?" questioned Dr Rink.

Penelope chewed her lower lip and gently shook her head watching out for the shooting pains that threatened her.

Lily spoke "Agent Morgan is one of your colleagues and obviously a friend. He has barely left your side since you came in."

"Oh" was all Garcia could say.


	11. Reunion

A/N- thank you thank you for all your reviews- they make me SMILE!!! Also here is a suprisingly long post for me- hope you enjoy!

Morgan paced the hallway both his hands on his head in desperation. 'What's taking them so long?' he screamed to himself, resisting the urge to barge through the day and pull his sweet baby into his arms. He needed her just as much as his body needed oxygen to sustain life. She was his very own personal oxygen. His chest constricted at being away from her side. All he wanted no needed was to look deep into her eyes and see even a glimmer of her sparkle, to feel the softness of her silky skin, to hear her sexy voice. He needed her, all of her and some doctor was making him wait.

Hotch swung the doors open as the team followed him into ICU. The route was familiar but this time everyone had somewhat of a spring to their steps. To hear that Penelope was awake had considerably lighten the mood and gave everyone permission to smile. Here was light at the end of a considerably dark and miserable tunnel.

Reaching Morgan side Emily touched the preoccupied man's arm. Morgan flipped round and faced his team mates.

"What do we know?" asked Rossi.

"the doctor is in with her now"

"How long have they been in?" asked Emily

"Too long" he replied stalking towards the door to just stop outside it as hotch arm reached out and blocked his path.

"Give them time" he stated.

Dr Rink exited the room to come face to face with an entourage of eager yet worried faces. Questions sprouted out simultaneously from a number of mouths, seeking answers and reassurances. Dr rink held up a hand and waited for silence to fall.

"Ms Garcia is doing remarkably well despite all that her body has endured. I have physically examined and found her to be stable. I also assessed her mental status. Her recoil of distant past is in intact, she also remembers dates and she is able to recognise present place and year..."

"Thank goodness" exhaled JJ leaning against a wall.

"So she is fine?" asked Reid

"We would like to assess her in your presence." she said indicating the team.

"Sure" answered Hotch as Morgan asked "Why?

"Please follow me" she replied leaning back to push open the door. Rossi followed first with Reid and JJ sharply behind. Emily nervously followed while Hotch watched a nervous Morgan step forward while he himself brought up the rear.

Both the doctor and the nurse stood at the back of the room waiting to observe. JJ and Emily rushed across the room, a joyous feeling whelming up within them both. Penelope who was now sitting upright in the bed and was now on nasal cannula instead of the mask grinned broadly as she eagerly accepted the warm hugs bestowed upon her. She felt the moisture from the tears permeate her gown.

"Awww sweetie's I am okay" she said grinning up at her friends.

JJ swiped her tears away while Emily swallowed deeply and squeezed her friends hands. Penelope turned her face and grinned madly,

"Hey boss man, nice to see, have you missed me?"

"It has not been the same without you!" stated Hotch as he also reached up and squeezed her other hand.

"What about you boy genius- missed me much?" she said with a wink ignoring the throbbing in her head.

"Of course I have" he replied, "You are Garcia how could I not miss you!"

"Well hello agent Rossi, nice to see you too"

"Certainty a pleasure to see you too" chortled Rossi.

Everyone was now watching Garcia and Morgan eagerly anticipating some flirtatious witty comment that they had come to expect from the two of them.

Garcia eyes fell on the tall, dark and very handsome man. She saw a cheeky, playful light dance in his eyes and all she felt was the weight of confusion. Her heart ached as he stared hopefully at her.

Morgan had patiently watched as she embraced the team and quietly rejoiced in the exchanges. He watched as her eyes sparkled and felt his heart lift with her girlie giggle. His baby girl was back!

As she finished with Rossi he knew he was next, the last in the line and obviously she was keeping the best till the end. He couldn't help but smile widely as her eyes fell upon him.

Silence stilled the room as everyone watched and waited.

Garcia allowed her eyes to search first the length of his body and then his chiselled face and nothing!

Morgan felt his own confusion start to creep in. why was she staring blankly at him, why was she not saying a word.

"Baby girl?"

"I'm sorry" Garcia replied not to Morgan but to the doctor and nurse at the back. She then turned her face away from his and closed her eyes. She could feel the palpable confusion in the room, she knew all eyes were trained on her and right now all she wanted was time. Time to herself, to think, to ponder, to find some answers. She felt the shot of pain through her temple and curled her knees up and blocked out the room.

"What?" proclaimed Morgan as the nurse ushered everyone out.

"she needs time"

"I don't get it" he replied finding himself back out in the hall.

Dr Rink sighed and stepped into the lime light.

"It appears that Ms Garcia has suffered some localised, specific memory loss...."

"What are you saying?" he asked his voice rich with desperation.

"It appears that when Ms Garcia awoke she was missing all her memories of you Agent Morgan"

"WHAT!"

"I am very sorry but she does not remember you, to her at this time you are a stranger..."

"How can that be?" asked JJ

"Well it is unusual for amnesia to be specific but it is not unheard off.." butted in Reid

"Agent Reid is correct." Dr Rink answered as she watched Agent Morgan slump against the wall.

"she doesn't knew me" Morgan whispered staring at the team as the reality of it all started to sink in.


	12. Existence

A/N- so so so so sorry for the long wait! Life got in the way, well jumping from day shifts and then night shifts did not help. Also my computer kinda died for a while.......

Also sorry for it's tiny size.... and finally Thank You for all your pretty replies....

Penelope felt slumber cascade over her like a soothing waterfall and she allowed herself to become fully submerged in it's hold. After the events of the day she wanted some place to escape and to process everything. She was after all in hospital in ICU in fact. A car crash nearly wiping out her existence on planet, earth How one moment in time can change everything, pained her.

She found some solace in the truth of the friendships that surrounded her, JJ, Emily even boss man but that guy, that stranger bothered her. She knew she was no profiler but his eyes, his swirling deep hazel eyes that held a potent mixture of hope, sadness, affection and ultimately pain captured her and confusion rippled through her shaking her to her core. That face that held those eyes were something else; strong, chiselled but also soft and warm at the same time. His smile when he first saw her was full, teeth glistening wide but the way it drooped as she revealed her lack of knowing him marred her thoughts as she drifted off.

"Morgan could you just stand still for one sec, please" called out Emily watching as Morgan paced rapidly back and forth in the small relatives room., "You are making me dizzy!"

"How can I stand still, she doesn't know me. I am a stranger to her- A STRANGER, nothing more than some random guy. How can she not know ME? I mean it's me, we are best friends." his voice tailing off before gaining momentum again. "She is the one who knows me, really knows me, I can't hide a thing from her. But here she is looking right through me and not seeing me at all." with that he collapsed back onto one of the hard plastic chairs and exhaled loudly.

"Morgan she WILL remember you, just give her some time." pleaded JJ resting an arm of his forearm.

"Morgan go home and get some proper sleep" commanded Hotch.

"But.."

"No buts" added Rossi, "Penelope is out of danger and you need sleep and so does she and space."

"I'll drive you" said Emily standing up, "come on, Garcia will be okay"

Morgan allowed his eyes to trail around the room and realised this was battle that he had no hope of winning. With heavy eyes and a stifled yawn he obeyed and rose up and followed Emily.


	13. Starry night

A/N- well my computer died and it got rushed to the computer doctors where it was diagnosed with screen death, so after a screen transplant it is back up and running..... Here the next post. Hope you enjoy and Merry Christmas. I am having a white Christmas- very pretty and very cold.. -7 or 19F... fun!

A week had passed and Garcia sat there on the edge of the bed eagerly signing her discharge papers. She was escaping this place of starch sheets and colourless walls to go home to her sanctuary to warmth and colour. Giggling to herself she watched as JJ pushed a wheelchair towards her,

"Hospital protocol" she announced beckoning for Penelope to get into the chair.

"Home" she signed sitting gingerly down. Every muscle protested any movement but Penelope accepted the pain as a gift as it reminded her that she was still alive. She had came close to the end of her life but here she was very much present.

* * *

Home was amazing, everything about it heighten the joy in her heart. The exuberant colours, the scents of her numerous candles that dotted her small apartment, the feel of her surroundings settled her heart. Relaxing back on her sofa she smiled broadly as Emily and JJ put away the perishable food stuff there had bought her. Her eyes roamed her domain, she grinned at her many knick knacks, many which held sentimental value and allowed fond and sometime memories to flood her mind. Then her eyes fell upon a certain framed picture and she felt the air being caught in her lungs. Slowly she pushed herself up and made her way across the room where upon she picked up the photo. She was being held in a tight and affectionate embrace by her beautiful stranger. She had not seen him this past week yet she knew from the others that she was in his thoughts. Yet she felt his absence strongly like she was missing a lung or a limb but she did not know how say how she felt. It was all so confusing. Her thoughts kept tumbling over each other and she did not know what was real and what was fantasy. Reaching out she traced his strong face and signed she wished more than anything that she could remember. All she knew was that her heart told her that he was important to her.

"That's you all set," shouted Emily bouncing into the room and stopping short as she watched the mirage of emotions on her friend face.

"Anything?" she asked gently.

"No" Garcia replied sadly as he replaced the photo on the dresser.

"It will come" stated JJ joining the fray.

"How can you be sure?" bit Penelope as she angrily sat down on her rocker chair and pulled a cushion to her chest. "What if I NEVER remember then what?"

The two friends shared a look before Emily walked over and crouched down in front of Penelope and softly said,

"If that happens and it may not. Then you will make new memories with Derek. But we will cross that bridge if that time comes but right now just focus on getting stronger."

Chewing her lower lip she nodded as she fought back the tears that threatened to be shed.

"We will be there with you- ok!" said JJ taking one of her hands.

A slight nod was her answer. "I just really, really want to remember Derek." she turned her face away from the others and stared out into the starry night.


	14. Midnight blue

A/N- Merry Christmas everyone. Thanks for your patience and reviews.

Midnight faded into the early hours of a new day and sleep evaded him. He watched as the street and moon light fought for ceiling space. A distinct chill engulfed him and a shudder danced down his spine. He knew she was home, free from the confines of the hospital and free to get back to living her life. A life without him he thought as his heart sunk. His fists pounding the mattress at his sides.

A whole week had passed, a whole 7 days, 168 hours and countless minutes since he had last saw her, heard her voice. Oh how he missed her, not just the memories but the whole package. He needed her, but she did not need him. His world had became grey and void of joy. His actions and behaviour had became routine, even breathing fell into this group. He wanted to be there, to hold her, caress her, to tell her how he really felt about her, to say those words that had been playing on the tip of his tongue for too long now. But here he was lying on his bed watching light chase each other, with nothing but the overwhelming sense of lost and loneliness. Sighing he rubbed his face with on his hands as a headache started to throb. He knew she needed space, time to think and gather herself and perhaps the time for her memory to return.

Pulling her soft velour fleece around her body she fell deeper into her bed. The soft ticking of the clock echoed in the empty house. Every day in hospital she complained of the constant bustle and the lack of peace and privacy but now she missed it, even longed for it. Wiping the back of her hand across her cheek she brushed away a loose tear. She knew she had forced JJ and Emily out claiming she was okay and was looking forward to some 'me' time but the regrets were there now. Rolling over she found the street light falling squarely on another framed picture of her mystery man but this time with herself in the mix. Smiling sadly she sniffed as she reached out and brought it to her body. Her eyes danced over his handsome features and the smile that danced both on his lips and eyes as he held her tightly. She could see the distinct twinkle that was in her own eyes as she leaned into him. Hugging the photo to her chest she closed her eyes and said a silent prayer begging for the return of her memories of this wonderful man and of the actual physical return of this man in her life. She missed him and she did not even know him, it was a strange situation to be in.


	15. A spark

A/N thanks for all your replies and sorry that this is soooooooo slow, need some inspiration....

ENJOY!

It was her first day and she felt the wring of her nerves as she impatiently waited on the elevator. Her friends had ground when her life was up in the air and she knew that her heart would always be eternally grateful for that. Yet that mystery man stilled remained a mystery and consciously absent from her life. She knew that would be no escaping him today and with that thought her breath hitched in her throat and nerves exploded in the pit of her stomach.

It had another whole week since her discharge from hospital and even through she was filled with worry and fear she was secretly delighted at the idea of returning back to work, back to some degree of normalcy. Holding her handbag close to her chest she tapped her toe while simultaneously chewing her lip when she felt a presence beside her. A waft of musky cologne assaulted her senses and she felt her heart beat faster and a sense of joy and wonderment consume her; it was so familiar. One little sniff was causing her body to go all topsy turvy, hell she was melting inside. Clutching her bag she tried to slow down her breathing. 'In and out' she commanded herself as she braved a daring peek out of the corner of her eye.

He could see her beautiful crown of blonde and pink curls and instantly sweat laced his palms and his heart pounded in his chest. He had heard from the others that she would be returning today and a confusing mixture of joy and nerves tumbled through his body. Restraining himself from seeing her had been the hardest thing he had ever had to do. He wanted nothing more than to hold her but he needed her to know him before he could risk being that vulnerable. The days had slowly melted away and all it done was made him more apprehensive of this day. There she was standing just in front of him and even he felt a tug from his heart to pull her into a bone crushing hug he resisted and allowed his eyes take in her full form. She looked good, gorgeous actually. The slight scars that was still visible just made her even more delectable in his sight. Nervously he wiped his sweaty hands against his jeans. He couldn't take his eyes off her, it had been too long since he had last saw her, longer than he had ever gone before. He saw the slight tilt of her head and then her eyes were staring deeply into his own. He could have sworn on his own life that his heart stopped beating. She was looking at him with interest and curiosity.

Jkierggoeoo, words departed her vocabulary and her world melded into the man at her side. Her mystery man, surely the effect he was having on her innards was not healthy, she was either about to explode or melt into a puddle right there in the lobby. No living man should have such a effect she managed to comprehend as she remained fixated on his face. Unconsciously she licked her lip.

'Why or why' did she have to do that, cursed Morgan, trying his hardest to control her animal

instincts.

An elbow pushed into her good arm and she found herself being carted into the now awaiting elevator. A sea of people pushed at her like a tidal wave and she found herself trapped amongst them. Peering over the sea she could see him standing there on the other side of the elevator, out of reach.

"Damn it" he cursed as the doors swooped close. Angrily he rubbed a hand over his scalp as he used the other hand to jab at the button.


	16. Wishing & hoping

A/N hope you enjoy and please if anyone could give me inspiration for how this could end happily ever after that would be swell. At this moment all I can think is angst and more pretty angst...;)

Penelope rushed into her sanctuary and swung the door close behind her. Leaning against the frame she clutched a hand to her chest as her heart pounded against her fist. Slowly the light headed feeling started to pass as her world stop spinning. How can I man affect me so much? She thought pushing herself off the door and stumbling across the room where she grabbed her swivel seat and planted herself on the soft leather cushion.

So long it took, he thought as he entered the bullpen his eyes darting around the room searching for his blonde sweetie. Not finding her within his sight he turned his focus to the bunker where he saw the door firmly closed. Sighing he made his way over to his office his eyes never leaving the barricade that was between himself and his dreams.

'knock, knock' shouted Emily as JJ rapped the door.

"Just the girlies" shouted JJ through the closed door.

Nervously Garcia opened the door and was met by a steaming mug of Jo. Inhaling deeply she accepted the gift and allowed the ladies to enter her domain.

"So how you doing?" asked Emily watching as Garcia deliberately took a long sip of her coffee and averted her eyes.

JJ coughed loudly and drew her friend attention.

"It's weird" she said pointly, "It feels like I have never been away while it all feels strange. I am glad to be back but I still want to run and hide." she said collapsing into her chair.

"Have you seen..." JJ started to ask before Garcia answered.

"Yeah, this morning when I was waiting on the elevator.. it was... something." she said raising an eyebrow.

"Did you speak?" asked Emily taking a seat on the floor and leaning against the wall while JJ took the spare seat in the room.

"ha ha funny! What do I say to the guy that you claimed sat vigil like at my bed for days and days. Who became a broken man because of what happened. I mean what do you say to that guy when you don't even remember him."

Silence pierced the room.

"You know I want to remember, really I do. I want to know him but I don't know how to. This morning I felt that he was familiar to me and not just some joe blogg off the street. That was new and nice but where do I go now."

"Have you tried to speak to him at all?" asked JJ

"And say what! Hi you know me but I don't know you fancy passing me the sugar."

Emily pushed herself up and reached out and pressed her arms around her shoulders and squeezed.

"Why not just say hello next time you see him instead of running and hiding"

"Be yourself Pen. Morgan is not pressuring you so you shouldn't either." added JJ squeezing one of her hands.

Morgan spent the morning watching the door hoping, wishing that she appear from it and thus giving him the desperate opportunity to see her. He needed to see her, to bathe in her beauty. He watched as Emily and JJ entered and secretly he wished it was him who was walking through that open door. He resisted the urge to storm the room and instead just kept wishful watch. When would his nightmare cease, when would he get his baby girl back.


	17. Sunshine

A/N- just a wee naff chapter enjoy.

The morning had rapidly past after the girls had left and now she was faced with lunch. Ever since the accident her appetite had been vague, she knew she had to eat to take her pain medication. Sighing she pushed herself out the chair and headed out of the room.

Morgan had watched everyone else slip out for lunch, refusing all offers and instead sat there watching to see when she would surface. He knew she had to eat and he would wait all day if that what it took..Seeing her step out her room his eyes instantly brighten and unconsciously he rose from his seat and made his way out of the office.

Moving around the break room looking for some sort of snack she felt his presence before seeing him. Her body went on high alert as his cologne washed over her.

"Hey" he said softly.

Nervously she turned round to face him, chewing absently on her lower lip.

"Hi" she said blushing.

"How is your first day back going?" he asked neutrally not wanting to scare her or anything.

Shrugging she said, "Like I have never been away."

"Chips" he said pointedly nodding his head towards the packet she was holding.

"Lunch" she replied with a giggle.

His stomach flipped. Her giggle was like music from heaven. He wanted to shout with joy for hearing it again along with doing back flips around the office. Instead he smiled back reigning in his emotions.

"I am not too sure if chips could be constituted as lunch food, now a sandwich to go with them on the other hand would be. There is that sandwich bar down in the lobby."

"thanks I'll think about it." she said walking past him resisting the urge to take a deep breath in.

He watched her go, the sway of her rear enticing him greatly. Even through the chat was small and irrelevant on the whole it was something and it was better than nothing. He watched her stop and grab her purse before heading to the elevators and then she turned to look at him. He felt his heart leapt as she gave him a small smile. He had sunshine back in his life.


	18. Awakenings

A/N- so sorry for the long time gap, working nights and then my computer broke and the router broke, but hey all seems to be working now.....woo hoo.... I hope you enjoy this one... I did!

**Many weeks later,,,,,**

Penelope cricked out her neck as she shifted her weight in the chair in front of her babies. It had been a exhausting couple of days, the end of a highly emotional case was coming to an end and her body was complaining rudely. Leaning her head back she closed her eyes letting herself fall into a fitful trance. Images crashed through from her sub conscious piercing her soul. At first there were fuzzy and blurred, just shadows and outlines. A shudder cut through her. She wanted to open her eyes but she could not. Her mind was taking over and forcing her to remain right where she was, where she needed to be.

As all the images coarse through her each one had one and only one star in them. To begin with he was nothing more than a man shape piece of melted chocolate with no definition or face. As her mind processed and sorted itself, he started to become more and more defined, as he took shape in her mind eye. The blurred edges smoothed out and revealed a toned physique of a man. Swallowing she allowed her eyes to roam unadulterated the length of his tall form, taking in the smooth rippled muscle that could be seen through the somewhat clingy green tee shirt and the long toned Levi clad legs. His face remained nothing but light and darkness but yet she could feel his piercing stare that shot through her layers of doubt, confusion and fear and exploded in her heart.

Biting down on her lower lip she blinked away the tears, she really wanted to see that face, she needed too. Deep down she had her own suspicious that she knew this guy. Her shoulders started to shake as intense feelings flooded her; feelings of overwhelming devotion and love. A revelation awoke within her this tall hunk without a face had her heart. No longer could she control the fall of tears as they splashed down her cheeks. She was in love, fully and utterly in love and she had no idea with whom. A new ache gathered in her chest, she needed to know the truth. She needed to know who had her heart.

Morgan brow wrinkled as he leaned against the door frame, his sweetness had such a pained and confused look upon her pretty face. He wanted to reach out and sweep her up into his arms and hold her close to his chest. Flexing his fingers he swallowed down that urge. The last thing he wanted to do was to scare her. But to see the tears were nearly his undoing, he fought the overwhelming desire to save her from whatever was causing her grief. Slowly but steadily his feet moved forward until he reached her side. Slowly he crouched down and held onto the arm of the chair. Softly he spoke,

"Penelope, what's wrong?" finding no response he allowed one finger to trail along her arm, trying to stir her from wherever she was.

"Garcia?" he said a bit more forceful, still getting barely a response. His heart rose up into his throat as the tears and mascara mingled together left trails down her cheeks.

Rubbing his whole hand now along the bare skin of her arm, he spoke calmly with strength.

"Baby Girl!"

Hearing those words flung the light switch on, and every feature came into clear focus. The truth was revealed before her. Gripping the arms of the chair her own eyes sprung open as her chest heaved with the revelation. Morgan had her heart. Pupils dilated, pulse racing she felt a soothing hand on her arm that was simultaneously sending little sparks through her body.

Twisting her head around she saw in full colour the man who had been haunting her sub conscious. Looking down she could his deep chocolate orbs staring back up to, she found the gold flecks in them enticing almost hypnotic.

Morgan forced down a swallow as his throat went suddenly dry. She was looking at him, like she had never before, truly looking into his soul. He felt bare, naked before her and yet this vulnerability did not shake him instead he felt nothing but strength radiating from the look. He could remain bare, exposed if it meant that he could be this close to his baby girl. He wanted to know what she was thinking but they was no way he would do anything to break this moment. He could see himself reflected in her eyes and he realised that it was Penelope who made him, him. Who made him _alive_ in this crazy, dark world.

Penelope couldn't stop staring, she couldn't pull her eyes away and she did not want too. She could feel the love radiating from them and she could feel her whole body tingle and for the first time in a long time she felt _alive_. Without thought or consideration she felt a power equal to a magnetic force pulling her forward and downwards and with her heart leading the way her lips found their solace.


	19. eyes open wide

A/N- okay I am not that good at the whole sappy thing, much easier to write angst. But here it is...

The kiss started out tenderly with an edge of anticipation and soon erupted in a pouring out of their souls. Penelope found herself slipping out the chair and onto her knees before him. Her hand snaking up his chest and around his neck where her fingers danced softly against the skin there while her other hand remained against his taunt chest. Her mouth opened slightly under his weighty lips and his tongue darted in and caressed her own tongue while smoothing the edges of her teeth. A mixture of a moan and a whimper escaped from her chest as her mind went into full haze mode.

Hearing her soft guttural sounds caused his stomach to twitch and for each heat beat to chase one another. His muscular arms pulled her close so that they were chest to heaving chest. A palm held her steady between her shoulder blades while the other on slipped up to her cheek where the pad of his thumb traced circles on her flushed skin before slipping into her hair. His hand finally coming to rest in a mass of curls on the back of her head where he was able to pull her closer and angle her for better exploration.

Oxygen became a real issue between them and reluctantly the kiss ended. Morgan brought his hands to her cheeks and rested his forehead against her own. She remained still, clinging onto him. eyes closed her breathing coming out in short spurts, cheeks rosy and lips swollen. Leaning back Morgan let his eyes roamed never before had so looked so sexy and beautiful. Pushing a fallen lock back behind her ear he stared intently at her as her eyes fluttered open. Smiling softly he looked deep into her pools as he cupped her face.

"Baby girl?" he whispered searching her soul.

Tears started to caress her cheeks as she sniffled. A small nod was his answer.

Morgan felt the tears brim over in his own eyes as looked deep into the woman he loved eyes and saw full recognition and more importantly he saw loved reflected.

"You remember me?" he whispered his thumbs softly creating patterns on her cheeks.

"All of you" she replied circling her arms around his neck,watching as a huge grin split his face.

"I don't know how I could ever forget."

"Shh baby girl. I need to tell you something"

Chewing her bottom lip she stared intently into his pools of creamy chocolate eyes.

"I should have told you this a long time ago but I was stupid, a fool. The truth is I love you. I am in Love with you."

Garcia breath hitched in her throat as her heart flipped with joy.

"Oh" she whispered as Morgan wiped her cheeks free from the tears. "That's good because I am so in love with you."

A chuckle erupted from his chest and Garcia found herself laughing with him. The noise was a sweet orchestra to their ears.

Morgan leaned forward with a wide grin and bright eyes, and proceeded to show Garcia just how much he loved her through the first of many kisses.

The end

_**Thank you for reading and reviewing this. I hope you enjoyed it. **_


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